why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My life is pants optional.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
