did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
