if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
