This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
