i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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