why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
