2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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