How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize