I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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