hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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