One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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