these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
