I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
