the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
