I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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