I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
