Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
