Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
