Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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