I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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