so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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