If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
