Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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