You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
