grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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