If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
