It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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