If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
