I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
