remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
