So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
