ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
