My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
