i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
