At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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