my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
