I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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