Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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