I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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