Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
