Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
