i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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