I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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