i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
