it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you never un-have a 4some
i think i just lost a toe
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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