i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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