Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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