i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
