i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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