spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
