birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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