Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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