there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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