gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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