Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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