my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
