What a fucking waste of an outfit
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
