Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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