headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
