Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
