omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
