You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
