South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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