you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
