There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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