Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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