The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Even my vagina gasped.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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