i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
