It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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