Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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