You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
