mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
