I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize