with your own penis?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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