My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize