I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
