ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize