ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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